dying dream

A lot has happened in the past month- I faced the potential end of a relationship, I moved, and I changed departments at work. I didn't realize the toll that these things took on me until recently. While I can't trade these experiences for anything because I have grown through them, they were most definitely painful and extremely challenging.

You think you know what you want. You think you are secure in what you have. All can change in an instant. I thought I wanted to work in the emergency department. It had been my plan throughout most of nursing school. I moved 600 miles for a job straight out of school in the specialty I wanted- left my friends, family, and boyfriend. So far I've enjoyed DC and I've learned a lot about being a nurse. But I was not fulfilled by working in the ED. I went to work every day wondering if I would do my job well, if I would make a mistake that would hurt someone, if I would show that I was making progress in my orientation as a new grad. I dreaded going to work, I dreaded the anxiety associated with going to work, and I dreaded the possibility that this wouldn't change. I never felt like I really clicked with my coworkers and couldn't figure out why. I felt like I wasn't getting the big picture of what was going on with my patients because I was so bogged down by tasks and the craziness that is the ED. Ultimately, I could tell that I wasn't progressing as well as was hoped and expected of me. Still, I couldn't place why. Maybe the nurse who was training me was not a good match. Maybe I didn't have the ability to excel in the ED at this point in my nursing career. Maybe I needed just a little more time. Maybe I wasn't enjoying myself because I wasn't comfortable and confident enough in my ability to perform. Maybe something was missing in the kind of interactions with patients the ED affords a nurse. Anyway, I wouldn't have left on my own accord because I was determined to figure out how to make it work. That's why when my bosses proposed, just 2 weeks before I was supposed to be off orientation in the ED, that I transfer because they didn't feel like I was a good fit I felt defeat and relief simultaneously. I'm now working on an intermediate care floor and instead of chaotic chaos, I have found organized chaos. The staff has made me feel so welcome. I'm encouraged because I think I'll learn a lot and really feel supported to grow as a nurse. Still, the temptation is there to feel like I failed. The dream of living, and excelling, in the crazy world called ED has died.

I like my new home. My roommate and I are having fun. The place is slowly but surely coming together. I have big girl pots and pans, grown up furniture, and more art. We knew that we'd have to make some adjustments to the place in order to make it friendly for 2 roommates (it's a loft with no really distinct bedrooms) but so far we've been slow in doing them and so it feels like dorm room living again. When Christie wakes up, I wake up. When I wake up, Christie wakes up. This will get better as we settle in to the place and make more defined bedrooms (closing off opening between rooms and the loft) but for now sometimes makes me wonder if we made the right decision. And then I hang out in our neighborhood and make the short commute to work. I have dessert with the girls that live a few buildings down and appreciate having neighbors. I kick it around the new place with Christie and realize that it's going to be a lot of fun and that I'm really glad for this home.

I've watched a dying dream. I've second guessed myself and my decisions. I've been in anguish over situations seemingly out of my control. I'm truly thankful for these challenging and painful occasions that make life beautiful.