scratch

Sometimes it's dangerous to pull out old music. I listened to an album last week I became familiar with while I was living in SF. Not only does that bring back memories of what was going on at that time in my life, but it was interesting how relevant the songs are now, too. I feel like the songs echo feelings that were already inside but I couldn't articulate. I guess that's why music is so moving.

I can't sleep it's Sunday morning
I get no peace when you're away
I thought the stars were finally for us
I read 'em wrong, they're brewing hurricanes...
...I can't breathe it's all too sudden
You made your move and by surprise
I've been caught again in danger...
...Take these words of right and wrong
And tell me how they fit
When I'm wrong for loving me
And you're right, I just can't quit
I wanna be free to be happy again
I wanna be told that you love who I am
And if it's a spark that you're missing
Then maybe you should try and hold my hand
I wanna be happy again...
(Happy by Kendall Payne)

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you ever get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream
When you can't fall asleep?
I've been wondering what you're thinking
And if you like my dress tonight?
Would you still say you love me
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I'm so afraid of what you'll say.

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance...

(Scratch by Kendall Payne)

A month ago I couldn't imagine being here in this place emotionally. I couldn't have predicted the peace that I feel. It's always amazing to me the effect time has. It softens blows, allows us to selectively remember those things we want to and supress or forget those things we don't want to remember, and gives us the space to process. In some ways I feel unfair, untruthful for where I'm at now versus 2 months ago. My perspective has changed. But I have to be true to here and now. I'm not sure how that fleshes out. This is what I'm trying to figure out these days. Are we starting from scratch or are we scratching this one off the cards altogether?