it's me

The last 72 hrs have made my head swim and my heart want to hide. How can I so fully embrace, love, and celebrate and yet simultaneously loathe, scorn, and demote myself (the fibers of my being, what makes me Kortney)? How can I find myself in the same undesirable position that I know so well for what feels like the fiftieth time, though really only is maybe the fifth? When will I master this beast and get it right, or will I ever? It so frustrates me. Will this time be what finally not only illuminates the issues but also catalyzes significant change?

Remarks with the gist of 'don't change who you are' and 'you're unique' and 'you have many qualities I haven't found in someone else' are all encouraging at first, but then I'm unable to resist counteracting them in my head with the fact that those same aspects of me are also what drive me to lose friendships and end relationships.

Life has been likened to a vintner pruning his vines or a smith refining metal with fire. Man, do I hope this all amounts to some pruning or refining. I don't want to stay the same. I don't want these extra deviant branches that stand out and aren't productive. I don't want to be an impure metal that's undesirable. Yes, for selfish reasons, but also for selfless reasons. It's me, wanting to be a contributing member of society, a good friend, and a great lover.