heavy

My heart is heavy. Tomorrow I will deliver heavy news. It will be the first time of my professional career that I am responsible to deliver a [likely] fatal diagnosis. One that is aggressive and that may not have treatment. I am conflicted.

I did not choose for her to show up in my office last week. I did not choose for her to have this problem for which she did not anticipate this kind of diagnosis. I did not choose for her to have to deal with this in her current circumstances. I am sad.

I did choose to take on a position from which I can meet people at their most vulnerable. I did choose to take on a role in which people invite me to participate in their health and wellbeing. I did choose to be an agent of change in the lives of people. I am resolved.

Tomorrow my position is not that of the supportive nurse in the room with my patient once the doctor has given the news and left, helping to clarify and translate reality- a role I know well. No, tomorrow I will be the provider giving the news. I hope that I may still be supportive and deliver a simple, clear message in a way she can receive. I am humbled.