One year ago this weekend I moved to Los Angeles. It's crazy to think about what this past year has held for me. I perhaps have learned more about myself in this past than any other year in my adult life. There are experiences from this past year for which I feel sadness. There are other experiences for which I am proud. And then there are many experiences that I am grateful for because they refined me, but I am so glad that I have continued moving forward beyond them.
I've always enjoyed time spent in LA, but I never envisioned living there. I moved for the job, one that seemed like a great opportunity straight out of school, one that would have great future potential as well. But I was trying to fit the job into my life, which was strung out across LA and back in SF. I typically do not like to compartmentalize my life, but there my work was very separate from the rest of my life- by at least 45 miles. The job was valuable for many reasons, and I am so thankful for my time there. I am also thankful that I made the decision to leave it.
In leaving the job, I was pursuing what I want in my life. It was the first time I can recall making a move not for education or a job, but for all the other things that enrich life. It was scary, and it didn't seem like the wise decision at the time. But I was making it based on my heart sense and not what looked best on paper, and it felt good to do that for once.
I'll admit to having expectations for what returning to SF would be like. It wasn't like I was gone for a long time, and I'd been back to visit often, so I thought it would be a similar feel to when I left. But I was returning to a different living situation, a different job, and no longer a student's varied schedule which I'd had for 2 years prior to leaving, so it has been different. I wish that I could say that, just as I am fairly good at starting over in a new place, I'm good at accepting unmet expectations, but I can't. In fact, a few months into returning I was really having a hard time accepting the reality that those things that I thought I was moving back for, those things I wanted in my life, were not going to be realized, or at least not yet.
I spent a few months really wrestling with being content with where I am in life, and wanting to "find my place" in SF. I was tired of hearing "it's good to have you back" because at times it didn't really feel good to be back. And probably most distressing, I felt so very distant from God, and with so little faith. In an odd way it was a relief, because I knew that I was definitely not going through any motions.
I am a much better nurse practitioner today than I was this time last year, though I guess that's to be expected given that I was brand new then. But I feel I have grown as a provider so much more in the past 6 months than I anticipated, and not necessarily in the actual medical knowledge but in truly caring for and relating to my patients. I can be very thankful for my personal experience navigating the healthcare system earlier this year, now being familiar with the feeling of waiting on tests to come back and facing the potential for a significant diagnosis.
I have a better sense of the balance I am seeking for my life. I know that I can accomplish a lot- it's true that where there's a will, there's a way- but I am also more acquainted with my limitations. I also am aware, more than ever, of the important role my community plays in my life. I would not be where I am today if it were not for my family and friends who have been such incredible cheerleaders through this past year.
I could continue to reflect here, but there is so much and some of this I'm still processing. It truly has been a wild last year- one that has left both scars on my heart and a smile on my face. I wouldn't trade it. A friend recently gave me a gift with the words "brave heart" engraved on it. So simple, these words, but I have embraced them as an anthem for this next season of my life as I explore what they mean for me.
I've always enjoyed time spent in LA, but I never envisioned living there. I moved for the job, one that seemed like a great opportunity straight out of school, one that would have great future potential as well. But I was trying to fit the job into my life, which was strung out across LA and back in SF. I typically do not like to compartmentalize my life, but there my work was very separate from the rest of my life- by at least 45 miles. The job was valuable for many reasons, and I am so thankful for my time there. I am also thankful that I made the decision to leave it.
In leaving the job, I was pursuing what I want in my life. It was the first time I can recall making a move not for education or a job, but for all the other things that enrich life. It was scary, and it didn't seem like the wise decision at the time. But I was making it based on my heart sense and not what looked best on paper, and it felt good to do that for once.
I'll admit to having expectations for what returning to SF would be like. It wasn't like I was gone for a long time, and I'd been back to visit often, so I thought it would be a similar feel to when I left. But I was returning to a different living situation, a different job, and no longer a student's varied schedule which I'd had for 2 years prior to leaving, so it has been different. I wish that I could say that, just as I am fairly good at starting over in a new place, I'm good at accepting unmet expectations, but I can't. In fact, a few months into returning I was really having a hard time accepting the reality that those things that I thought I was moving back for, those things I wanted in my life, were not going to be realized, or at least not yet.
I spent a few months really wrestling with being content with where I am in life, and wanting to "find my place" in SF. I was tired of hearing "it's good to have you back" because at times it didn't really feel good to be back. And probably most distressing, I felt so very distant from God, and with so little faith. In an odd way it was a relief, because I knew that I was definitely not going through any motions.
I am a much better nurse practitioner today than I was this time last year, though I guess that's to be expected given that I was brand new then. But I feel I have grown as a provider so much more in the past 6 months than I anticipated, and not necessarily in the actual medical knowledge but in truly caring for and relating to my patients. I can be very thankful for my personal experience navigating the healthcare system earlier this year, now being familiar with the feeling of waiting on tests to come back and facing the potential for a significant diagnosis.
I have a better sense of the balance I am seeking for my life. I know that I can accomplish a lot- it's true that where there's a will, there's a way- but I am also more acquainted with my limitations. I also am aware, more than ever, of the important role my community plays in my life. I would not be where I am today if it were not for my family and friends who have been such incredible cheerleaders through this past year.
I could continue to reflect here, but there is so much and some of this I'm still processing. It truly has been a wild last year- one that has left both scars on my heart and a smile on my face. I wouldn't trade it. A friend recently gave me a gift with the words "brave heart" engraved on it. So simple, these words, but I have embraced them as an anthem for this next season of my life as I explore what they mean for me.
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