heavy

My heart is heavy. Tomorrow I will deliver heavy news. It will be the first time of my professional career that I am responsible to deliver a [likely] fatal diagnosis. One that is aggressive and that may not have treatment. I am conflicted.

I did not choose for her to show up in my office last week. I did not choose for her to have this problem for which she did not anticipate this kind of diagnosis. I did not choose for her to have to deal with this in her current circumstances. I am sad.

I did choose to take on a position from which I can meet people at their most vulnerable. I did choose to take on a role in which people invite me to participate in their health and wellbeing. I did choose to be an agent of change in the lives of people. I am resolved.

Tomorrow my position is not that of the supportive nurse in the room with my patient once the doctor has given the news and left, helping to clarify and translate reality- a role I know well. No, tomorrow I will be the provider giving the news. I hope that I may still be supportive and deliver a simple, clear message in a way she can receive. I am humbled.

intro: loving

Oh God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change

The courage to change the things that I can

The wisdom to know the difference

Oh ooh and God give me the courage to love with an open heart,

An open heart, an open heart, I wanna love with an open heart

Oh ooh oh with an open heart

- India Arie

time will tell

Turning in the grain again

The bells begin to chime

Time, she says,

"There's no turning back,

Keep your eyes on the tracks"

Through the fields, somewhere there's blue

Oh, time will tell, she'll see us through

Howling out,

The windy hills

And all the time we took

You should know just how it steals

Keep your hand on the wheel

And through it all, somewhere we knew

Time will tell, she'll see us through

And all fire and flames took all we trust

We're kicking up dust

Stations fade just like they do

Oh, time will tell, we always knew

Oh, time will tell, we always knew

- Gregory Alan Isakov

summertime

Summertime, and the livin' is easy

Fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high

Oh, your daddy's rich and your ma is good-lookin'

So hush little baby, Don't you cry

One of these mornings you're gonna rise up singing

And you'll spread your wings and you'll take to the sky

But 'til that morning, there ain't nothin' can harm you

With Daddy and Mammy standin' by

Summertime, and the livin' is easy

Fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high

Oh, your daddy's rich and your ma is good-lookin'

So hush little baby, Don't you cry

One of these mornings you're gonna rise up singing

And you'll spread your wings and you'll take to the sky

But 'til that morning, there ain't nothin can harm you

With Daddy and Mammy standin' by

- George Gershwin

ready to start

If the businessmen drink my blood

Like the kids in art school said they would

Then I guess I'll just begin again

You say, "can we still be friends? "

If I was scared... I would

And if I was bored... you know I would

And if I was yours... but I'm not

All the kids have always known

That the emperor wears no clothes

But they bow down to him anyway

'Cause it's better than being alone

If I was scared... I would

And if I was bored... you know I would

And if I was yours... but I'm not

Now you're knocking at my door

Saying please come out with us tonight

But I would rather be alone

Than pretend I feel alright

If the businessmen drink my blood

Like the kids in art school said they would

Then I guess I'll just begin again

You say, "can we still be friends? "

If I was scared... I would

And if I was pure... you know I would

And if I was yours... but I'm not

Now I'm ready to start

If I was scared... I would

And if I was pure... you know I would

And if I was yours... but I'm not

Now I'm ready to start

Now I'm ready to start

I would rather be wrong

Than live in the shadows of your song

My mind is open wide

And now I'm ready to start

Now I'm ready to start

My mind is open wide

And now I'm ready to start

You're not sure

You open the door

And step out into the dark

Now I'm ready

- Arcade Fire

to whom it may concern

Why are you so far from me?

In my arms is where you are to be

How long will you make me wait?

I don't know how much more I can take

I missed you but I haven't met you

Oh but I want to

How I do

Slowly counting down the days

Till I finally know your name

The way your hand feels round my waist

The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste

I missed you but I haven't met you

Oh but I want to

How I do

How I do

I've missed you but I haven't met you

Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you

Oh but I want to

Oh how I want to

Dear whoever you might be

I'm still waiting patiently

- The Civil Wars

31 days of lyrics

I saw the Amy documentary a few weeks ago and was reminded of my appreciation for her music. And these lyrics captured many of my recent sentiments...

"Back To Black"

He left no time to regret

Kept his dick wet

With his same old safe bet

Me and my head high

And my tears dry

Get on without my guy

You went back to what you knew

So far removed from all that we went through

And I tread a troubled track

My odds are stacked

I'll go back to black

We only said goodbye with words

I died a hundred times

You go back to her

And I go back to...

I go back to us

I love you much

It's not enough

You love blow and I love puff

And life is like a pipe

And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside

We only said goodbye with words

I died a hundred times

You go back to her

And I go back to...

We only said goodbye with words

I died a hundred times

You go back to her

And I go back to...

Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,

I go back to...

I go back to...

We only said goodbye with words

I died a hundred times

You go back to her

And I go back to...

We only said goodbye with words

I died a hundred times

You go back to her

And I go back to black

- Amy Winehouse