celebrating life

Halloween is my dad's birthday. I was going to go home on Friday night to celebrate, but he was working so I went home yesterday after work instead. I baked him a chocolate cake from scratch- one of his favorites. He's pretty young still- 49 this year. We had some presents that were just for fun- a John Deere t-shirt, the second season of Andy Griffith, and a monstrous bag of M&M's. Everyone was home except for Brock.

I had a second reason for going home yesterday. My grandparents are in town and I hadn't seen them for over a year. I used to see my mom's parents many times each year. They visited for every major holiday and each one of our birthdays. I guess I was spoiled in that respect. But now that we're more spread out and there are more of us working jobs that don't give us holidays off, it's been more difficult to all be together, even at Christmas. So I went home to see them, too.

My grandpa has had prostate cancer for several years. He had been doing really well with treatment up until this year. They've tried several different treatments this year without much success, and the cancer has spread to his bones. Currently he's getting chemo. I've been getting my updates mostly from my mom, knowing that I have to take them with a grain of salt since she's already really concerned and anxious with her depression.

I was able to talk to my grandma alone last night. She herself is a very anxious person, and as much time as I've spent around her, she's not opened up a lot to me. She told me she's scared. She's not sure what she's going to do without Grandpa. I told her that worrying won't help, especially when we don't even know how long we have. That's when she told me that we have been given an estimate. She's not told my mom because she didn't want to upset her anymore than she already is (which I'm not sure I agree with), but last month his doctor said probably he has 6 months to a year left.

It really didn't hit me when she said that. I mean, estimates can be right on or they can be dead off. So I went about the next few hours hanging out with my family. My grandparents are some of the most generous people when presented with needs. I think that my mom told my grandparents that she's worried by me walking or biking to school. Earlier in the day, Grandpa offered to buy me a parking permit. I told him I didn't think it was necessary. When I was saying goodbye to come back to my place, I was hugging him and he again whispered in my ear that he wanted to get me a parking pass if I wanted it. I told him that I'd let him know if I decide I need one. I didn't want to stop hugging him. I don't know how many more he'll give me. I told myself not to be emotional and I held it together.

Until I was outside, walking to my car. And he was at the dorr looking out at me. He smiled and waved. I smiled and waved back, knowing that if I didn't walk on, I'd lose it in front of him. I got in my car and lost it. I bawled almost the whole way back to my place, replaying memories in my head. Praying. Grieving before I've even lost.

I don't enjoy hearing him talk about the discomforts of cancer. I don't want his pain to get any greater. But I also can't think of Grandma without him. I can't think of being without him. When you have a timeline, priorities change.

It won't be that long before I see him again. It can't be. I'll just have to take a trip to see them soon. I don't know that this year's holidays will be spent the way we traditionally would- at my parents' house. I don't think Grandpa can travel in the middle of chemo treatments.

Man I love Grandpa. He has such a genuine, caring spirit. And I know he loves me so much.