october came and went

I knew going into October that it would be a full month. I didn't know how full. It was good, it was tough, and I've been reeling from it until the last few days. I feel like I've had a war within and I've been at peace. I've felt an emotional release and I've felt like the emotions are so pent up inside that I can't feel. Really, it's hard to describe what it has been like.

I already wrote about starting the month by visiting my grandpa in the hospital and saying what I wasn't sure would be my last goodbye. Well, it was. Grandpa died on October 16 after a few weeks of holding our breath. I couldn't prepare myself for what it would be like to get the call, to go another full week before his funeral, to travel to Michigan with my family, and to celebrate his life while mourning his loss. I saw family and friends that I hadn't seen in years, some even since I was a young child. It was wonderful to watch my family come together in a way that we hadn't since my youngest brother was adopted. It was so meaningful for people to attend the funeral who traveled far just to support us, not because they were particularly close to Grandpa. And now it's hard to go back to everyday life, not feeling like he's gone, knowing that Grandma wakes up everyday and goes to bed every night alone. I'm sure there's hardly a moment she doesn't think about him gone.

I was in San Francisco for the same weekend I was last year- Fleet Week. I didn't go on purpose for that reason- it just fell that way. As I walked through SFO on arrival, I remembered how I had felt last year. I was still acutely grieving the loss of life as I knew it, as I loved it. I was still holding onto things that wouldn't be, that couldn't be, and I just couldn't accept that. Coming back this time was more of a celebration of how far I've come. Sure it feels like I was back home, like I'd never left- it always does- but it was different somehow. If I can be honest, I think it was the first time I've been back for a visit that I could say with all of my heart that I'm not sure I'm ready to move back yet. It's not that I don't want to or that it wouldn't be wonderful if I did. It's just that I'm not sure that I've exhausted myself in Atlanta or the many other places that are attractive. That city will always hold something for me, but I'm so thankful for where I am today.

I also visited NYC. What a great city. I saw it through a different lens than previous times I'd been there. It was a trip with the purpose of checking it out to live there. I'd done that once before while I was still in college. At that point, it would have been a big undertaking- moving to the big city. Now, it feels like it would be a great adventure but is definitely not intimidating and it may not be as attractive as I had once thought it would be. I have to admit SF has become a yardstick with which to measure. That said, there are some great hospitals to work at there that have crazy trauma cases in the ERs. There is Columbia that has a great grad program for nursing. We'll see...

There was catching up after being gone so much. Everyone was really gracious about my absence for Grandpa's funeral. I missed all of school and seeing my clients for the week. So last week, catching up on the previous week's stuff plus doing what I needed to for last week was a bit of a challenge. I felt overwhelmed quite a bit. But I got through it and am doing fine.

I've been meeting and hanging out with really cool people. People that I'm building a community with. It's been a long time coming, and something I've been praying about, but I think it's here. And with it is coming this feeling like maybe I don't need to leave as soon as I finish this first part of the journey to being a nurse practitioner. Don't get me wrong- there's still a HUGE part of me that wants to try something new come May- to whisk away to another city like NYC, D.C., Chicago, Boston, Seattle, or Philly. But then there's this part of me that asks why would I leave when this is not only feeling like home again, but in the last month or two is finally feeling like I'm building a life here.

I'm modeling in a fashion show this Saturday night and I'm really excited about it. I met the girl whose online fashion store the show is benefiting a little over a month ago when I was at a bar, trying to create a dance floor single-handedly out back on the patio. Here I am, a white girl, trying to dance to hip hop beats, surrounded by black boys and girls. And I was loving it, in my element. I approached her group, trying to get them to join me. Her friend danced with me and I talked to her. After a little while she asked for my email address because she wanted to invite me to her fashion show. I asked her if she needed any more models and she said she could definitely use me. But I didn't hear from her for a few weeks and I was disappointed because I didn't have her contact info and I had genuinely hoped to hang out with her again, fashion show or not. She finally came through, though, and now I'm modeling with a bunch of fun people I'd otherwise not meet, and I'm one of 2 white people in the show. I make the distinction of race in this paragraph not to be racist, but to say that I love that in a city where those things sadly still matter, it hasn't mattered for me this month. Not that I think it ever matters for me, but there's getting along with people and being friends with them at school or work, and then there's hanging out with them because you seek them out. It's been disappointing how few times I find myself in evenly mixed company, and it's finally happening more.

So here's to November, to cultivating more community, and to being even more open to life in Atlanta, for another 7 months or for another 7 years.

PS- 7 years is a long time and I'll be honest in that it's hard to say that! But that's part of the being open part.