expectations

I realize more and more how much of a role that expectations play in my life. Many times I try not to have expectations, but only sometimes do I succeed in that. Sometimes I don't realize I had expectations until I'm disappointed, which comes from having had them. Then there are times when my expectations are met, and usually that's a good thing.

Lately there have been a few things that I guess I'd say I've had 2 sets of expectations for. There's the idealistic expectations and then the underlying if-I'm-honest-with-myself expectations. For example, Mom doing really well lately was an unexpected, but welcome change. The idealistic expectation was that it would continue indefinitely; that maybe she had finally had a breakthrough. Then there's the part of me that secretly expected that it is just a temporary relief. My brother called me yesterday to say that he had just gotten off the phone with her and that she was having a bad day- hadn't really even gotten out of bed. When I was home last week, she seemed like she wasn't having a good day, but I was hopeful that it was just an isolated occurrence like we all have sometimes. Then when I talked to my sister, she's been getting progressively more down for the past 2 weeks or so. I can't say that I'm surprised and I know my expectations were not high, but I still will admit that I'm frustrated and disappointed that the relief didn't last longer. We can only hope that she won't slip back into her really depressed state.

This decision that I have to make about what's next... I guess I have some expectations about it, too. I was supposed to interview in DC this past weekend but due to the snow have to reschedule my interview for the last week of February. I was actually thankful for the delay, thinking that the extra time would mean that I might be more informed of my options if they do offer me a job. But, so far, I don't know that that expectation will be met- I may not make any more headway on feeling out some other options. Part of me expects that I can make this decision fairly uninhibited- looking for the adventurous route. Part of me expects that in the moment, I will really have difficulty not holding out for something I think, but don't know, that I want more- an opportunity that may or may not actually materialize.

Then there's the expectations I've had for a few relationships lately. Communication is a funny thing sometimes. When you think that a certain level of communication has been established, only to find that maybe it really hasn't been. When you meet someone and expect only to have another acquaintance, only to find that you become good friends. I always tend to err on the side of putting myself out there (a.k.a. saying too much) and so some would say scarring people away. I guess too often I expect that it's the way others operate, but really that's not always the case. I heard John Mayer's song the other day and I was thinking that it spells out an unmet expectation I had this past week:

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

I have to admit to the (perhaps unfair) expectation that if I've put myself out there, then someone else can do it, too. That if I have shown vulnerability, then they can know they are free to say it like it is to me, even if they fear it's not what I want to hear. However, by them telling it straight, they are in-turn making themselves vulnerable, in a way. So I understand the hesitance, but doesn't change the fact that it's an unmet expectation for me. And with unmet expectations, disappointment is almost inevitable.