unmet expectations

Yesterday was the first part of our graduation ceremony- the pinning ceremony. It's a tradition that new nurses are given pins ensigned with their school emblem etc. as a symbol of their passage into their new career. It's probably the more meaningful of the graduation festivities and family and friends are all invited to attend. I told my family about all of the activities this weekend a while ago and just assumed that they would be coming.

Yesterday morning while I was at work mom texted me, asking if I was at work. I wasn't sure what she meant, so I felt I needed to call her. She asked me if I would mind if she didn't come to the ceremony. Dad had to work and my siblings were all doing other things or out of town. Mom doesn't like big crowds and she even finds it challenging at times to drive into Atlanta by herself when she's having a particularly down day.

This isn't the first time that I've been asked how important it is to me whether or not she (or my family in general) is in attendance. Of course, I have feelings about it. In the moment I don't express them, mostly because I don't think that it will be helpful. The truth is, I wasn't as concerned with any of my family being at the pinning ceremony yesterday. Yeah, it kinda hurt that mom even asked if it was okay if she didn't come, but I don't hold it against her. It's a product of her depression and like it or not, I'm used to it. But more than the slight hurt, I hurt for her and for our family- that celebrations and momentous occasions aren't always what they could be. I'm not trying to compare our family with others- that's not fair. Still, when everyone is asking me what my family is doing this weekend to celebrate and I tell them nothing, it's a reminder of the fact that things are different.

Maybe I should take more responsibility to change it. Brock took it upon himself that tomorrow after graduation he's taking us out to eat to a place that mom and dad wouldn't consider going, likely because they think it's too pricey and unnecessary. Granted, we kids have different tastes in food and the arts. Still, it's possible to "do it up" right every once in a while says Brock. So like it or not he's forcing the issue. It's quite endearing, actually.

So I was a little pouty yesterday, even when my mom, sisters, and one of my brothers came yesterday to the ceremony after all. No, not in front of them. But inside. I was pouting for the lack of "normalcy" (which what really is normal?) sometimes in our family. I was pouting because mom had been doing so well and has slipped back into a bit more intense depression. I'm pouting that she can't be free from it.

I have been allowed to have a burden to carry each day of my life that many times I think I can't overcome and yet He gives me the strength to make it through each day.

Mom wrote an email this morning for Mother's Day. I got it while I was preparing for rounds this morning in the PICU at work. Doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists were all walking by and here I stood at the computer station, tearing up. This was one of the last sentences. It made me feel bad for being disappointed yesterday. For having expectations that I knew weren't really fair to have, that I knew were contradictory to how things normally go for us. And for momentarily discarding the knowledge that my mom is truly amazing for all that she goes through each day as she lives with depression. Man am I proud of my mom!