dejavu 2

It's a lesson I have to learn again, or maybe I never learned the first time. Why I allow myself to participate in this I don't know. But here I am, feeling mostly frustrated and slightly defeated.

After my last dating relationship, I resolved in the next time around to do better at allowing things to happen naturally and to resist the urge to know the status of the relationship at all times. I know it's annoying to the guy and it takes some of the fun and spontaneity out of the developing relationship. It's hard for me- in part because I am pretty transparent and like to talk about just about everything- so I don't hold back in my communication. I'm sure that it makes for a less-than-challenging pursuit for the guy, but I'm not really thinking about that while I'm in the middle of it.

So recently I've gone out a few times with this guy and I thought I was doing a good job of letting things happen, enjoying the ride, not thinking into it too much, and not asking for a play-by-play. I was definitely interested seeing where this could go.

Things moved a little faster than I had anticipated. I spoke up and said so. Then it felt like we'd done a 60 to 0 mph in 24 hours when I was thinking a 60 to 30 mph would be nice. I returned to survival mode- "must figure out his intentions and where this leaves us". I don't think that's wrong, in and of itself. But communication is key, and I really was at a loss for expressing myself. After a conversation about where we're at (mostly consisting of not understanding each other's perspectives), the verdict is that we're back to square one. Just friends.

It wasn't really my idea. No, I was looking for a slowing, not a halting- remember, I'm interested in this guy. But I trust that this is the best decision. It just makes me feel like I played the part of a fool for the last few days, not realizing that we truly had come to a stand-still. I mean, it would be nice to get the memo.

All's fair in love and war, right? So I'm a participant in the situation for sure- I'm not innocent and I do take ownership. I have no hard feelings and I think things will be just fine.

Still I have to admit, while this hasn't happened to me often, I'm already tired of it. The first time made me fearful of this situation happening again: guy pursues me, things move too fast, I speak up, and he changes his mind. This second time makes me question how it is that I've found myself in this situation again.

I'm developing a stronger resolve for the future. I'm learning about myself and dating relationships. I'm learning the importance of trusting my gut feelings and keeping boundaries. I guess for all of that I'm thankful.

Really, Kortney. Try hard to avoid a dejavu 3, ok?