firsts

The last 2 days have meant a few firsts for me. Both of them have been emotionally charged, one more so than the other. Both have made me face life and death.

Yesterday I had my first patient die while I was caring for them that I had built a significant relationship with him and his family. It was a sad situation, but ultimately the family was ready to see his suffering end. Truthfully, since I knew there was nothing more that we could do for him medically, I was ready for it to be over as well. The times before that I've been around for a patient dying, I wasn't that connected with either the patient or the family so I felt out of place. Sure, I empathized with their situation, but I didn't really know what to do or say. This time, I had walked through his hospitalization with the wife especially, at least for several shifts. Yesterday morning we had a pretty raw conversation about where she was at in terms of processing the reality that he was near death. I was so honored to be the one that she bore her heart to. At that time, we knew it was a matter of days, though I had a sense that yesterday would be his last. What's interesting also is that I woke up yesterday and instead of going for a run like I had planned, I felt the need to sit and be still, pray, and prepare myself for the day. Later I was thankful that I had. In school, they have us practice post-mortem care, but nothing could have prepared me for preparing his body yesterday. What a surreal experience, caring for a lifeless body that once was home to a full-of-life man. The whole experience is one I won't forget.

Today I got "doored". This means that while I was riding my bike down the right side of the street, a man opened his car door in front of me, my bike hit the door, it was thrown (with me) towards the center of the 2 lane street, and right in front of the car that was following me, I was thrown off my bike. Surprisingly, I landed first on my butt, then my head hit, but I landed in a way that I have no road rash and there was no bleeding to be found. I'll definitely be sore, my helmet needs to be replaced because it did its job, my handlebars need to be re-taped (which I had just done), and I might need to make a few adjustments to the bike components. Still, it could have been so much worse! The car behind me could have been following too closely to stop, or could have been trying to pass me. I could have hit his door squarely and potentially been thrown over the handlebars of my bike and/or the car door. The man could have been upset with me instead of saying "as long as you're okay, I'm okay." In truth, his car door received the most damage. It was funny- I felt the need to exchange insurance information as if we'd been in a car accident, but I don't carry bike insurance. The other interesting thing is that the car that was following, nor any of the cars that was following it, stopped to see if I was okay. It was as if, once the car stopped for me, that nothing had happened.

I walked away from both of these firsts with respect for life and death. While difficult at the time, when I processed them later I'm thankful for the experiences.