fight

Satisfied.  But there's a part of me that's not.  It waxes and wanes, my awareness of it.  There are times, like this morning, when it's painful, my awareness of the dissatisfaction.  Then, most times, it's imperceptible.

Painful.  I guess it's knowing all the good parts and wondering why I can't find them to be enough, why my heart can't be open to this difference between us, why there's dissatisfaction.  It's painful because it pains you, both directly and indirectly, my inner struggle.

Dissatisfaction.  It has everything to do with you and yet nothing at all.  There's no way to separate you and what we share from what we don't.  Yet, I try.  By the very nature of the situation, I ask so much of you.  You have risen to the challenge, but there is a spectrum of what can change if you remain true to who you are.  I am unwilling to not be me and I am unwilling for you to not be you.  Thus, this may mean nothing can change and yet everything could and it makes me scared.  And there's no way of knowing the course, the timing, the outcome...

Scared.  Last night the fear was tangible.  I wanted you to fight for me and you didn't.  It seems so silly, but I'm a woman- what can I say?  You didn't fight because you already have me, so what's the point?  Well, what if you don't have me?  I know you trust me.  I'm not sure I trust myself.

Fight.