anticipation

Tomorrow I start orientation for nursing school at Emory. I'm embarking on the new adventure I've been waiting for since moving here 3 months ago, and really since I knew I was accepted 6 months ago. To be honest, I have mixed feelings. I hope that's ok.

In some ways I feel like I'm betraying myself to have reservations about this. After all, I've been working towards this for 3 years. If this is something I want so bad, why do I feel like I'm peering over the edge of this cliff called "signing-my-life-away-to-nursing-school for the next 4.5 years" and hesitating to dive in?

And on the other hand, I want to take a running leap and dive in head-first. I can't wait to get this show on the road. I can't wait for more knowledge. I can't wait to make new friends. I can't wait to get this much closer to what I want to be when I grow up. I'll even admit to being somewhat excited about working my butt off, at least with a goal in sight.

The last few days I've worked at the hospital, I've had some really sick patients. I've talked with the parents of the kids and watched them lovingly hold their kid's hand, supporting them through their pain, some of them knowing that their kid's prognosis will never be good. I've watched the nurses caring for them, who are genuinely looking out for the kid's well-being. It's brought tears to my eyes, knowing that this is what I'm committing my life to. This is what I'm aspiring to.

And yet, while I sat here tonight doing my homework that's due on the first day of class, I'm overwhelmed. There is a lot of room for error in medicine. There's still a lot of unknown even in the known procedures. A lot of responsibility will be riding on my shoulders very soon, and I don't want to take it lightly.

I'm praying that God will give me the grace to dive off the cliff and start this adventure. To have a clear mind to comprehend this information. To have enough energy to focus. To have enough stability to get through the tough situations with my patients and co-workers. To have enough compassion to never get too callous.

Here goes. Well, at 8 am tomorrow, that is...