fear

I used to think fear was a nebulous thing. I mean, as a kid, I never was really afraid of anything. I didn't have this overwhelming fear of snakes. I didn't fear heights. I didn't fear living in a place where your house could be destroyed by a tornado. I just wasn't that fearful. So when people asked me what my greatest fear was, I didn't know how to answer.

Now that I've grown up a bit, I've realized I do have fears. I still don't have any phobias, and my fears aren't overt, but I do have them. They aren't causing me great stress or aren't constantly on my mind, but they're there. And while I feel that they're most often justifiable, I want to overcome them.

Fear: making the wrong decision. In the case of my decision to go back to school at Emory, it's not in the sense that this will hurt me or send me down the wrong path. No, it's more of the cost, financially and otherwise, of this decision. I met a doctor at work on Saturday who, when my co-worker introduced me and asked me to tell him what I'm going to school for at Emory, he commented on how expensive my education will be. Yes, I'm accutely aware of the amount of loans I'm taking out to do this. Yes, I've also run into people who said they looked into nursing school at Emory but decided against it because of the cost. Yes, I know what life I just left (and so lost) in San Francisco.
Realization: I really feel compelled to go through this program, cost and everything. Ultimately, I just don't think there was a "wrong" decision to be made in this case, right?

Fear: regressing in my growth as an individual. I associate Atlanta with my conservative upbringing where I had a strong tendency toward legalism and had (and do have) a hard time getting my head and heart around the concept of grace. I sometimes feel like being back here will cause me to return to old ways of thinking and acting, simply because I might find it comfortable and it feels like what I know of living here in the south. But then I remind myself that I can't erase the last 6 years of my life, living away from Atlanta. I've grown, changed, and come into my own. I have more of that to do, but I think I'm secure in who I am in the meantime. And the reality is that I've become who I am independent of my location. Sure, all that I experienced in Birmingham and San Francisco effected me, but my growth was not dependent on me being in those locations.
Realization: I still am who I am, regardless of location. And I will continue to grow, change, and come into my own in Atlanta, right?

Fear: moving on. I think this is a new one for me that this life transition has brought up in me. It feels easier to hold on to the past than let go in anticipation of the future that is yet unknown. I guess I feel like moving on means automatically losing what I had, and if I don't know if and what I will have to replace what I'm losing, that doesn't seem very desirable. It seems in opposition to my adventurous nature, this fear of moving on. Because part of being adventurous, at least so I've thought, is being ok with change, being adaptable, and being excited by sudden movement, so to speak. But for the first time in my life, I think I had finally found myself really resonating with what was going on around me in San Francisco and it feels irreplaceable. So, unlike me or not, I don't find myself as excited by meeting new people, trying new things, etc here because I don't want to lose what I had.
Realization: moving on doesn't mean that I'm automatically losing all of what I had. Yes, I've already lost some of it and it is irreplaceable. But the rest is just taking on different form in my life, right?