change

Wow. Birmingham changed in 2 years more than I thought it would, and yet it hasn't changed at all. They are doing a lot of building. Restaurants have come and gone. Campus looks so different because they built a new sports arena, added on to the music building, and have constructed more parking decks. And yet it's the same southern culture. It was really good to go back, but it was really surreal, too. I don't think I've missed it. Driving downtown, I thought about if I were to move back there, if I could do college all over again, how different my experience would be. I would spend more time downtown. I would appreciate the nightlife a little more. I would do more outdoor activities in the area. I guess I've probably changed just as much if not more than Birmingham has in the last 2 years.

I hung out with my friend Rob on Saturday for a while. He and I have similar experiences in that we both left the South for larger, more progressive cities (he lived in NYC for a year) and have now recently returned. We're wrestling with a lot of the same emotions, which is comforting.

I got to see all of my friends that I hung out with early in college at the wedding, which was great. They were all in the wedding party, along with their husbands. All of them got married in the last year to who they were dating in college. It's special that they formed such a tight-knit group of couples. It made me think of how I'm just not even close to that point in my life, though.

I guess I'm still really in the early stages of grieving. I can't help but find my mind wandering to memories of San Francisco while I'm at work. I try to avoid comparing my surroundings here to there. My heart hurts when I realize that I don't know the next time I'll be out there or will get to see my close friends. And I ask myself how much of what I miss is dependent on the location of San Francisco at all?

I want to have a change in perspective. I want to move from wondering how I'll spend at least the next 4.5 years here to thinking that I get to spend the next 4.5 years here. There's a difference. This is something I have wanted and prayed for- being able to pursue being an advanced practitioner. God's given me the opportunity. I'm realizing that it concerns me that I'm not fully enjoying this- I feel like I should because this is what I wanted. But I think that it's ok to not fully enjoy it yet- if for no other reason then I haven't even started school yet.

I usually love change. It excites me. But why do I feel like right now I'm missing that part of myself?