kids

I'm babysitting 2 days a week for a family who has a 3 year old and a 3 month old- both boys. The parents are pretty laid-back. The kids are well-behaved for the most part. I mean, what can a 3 month old really do besides be fussy in an attempt to communicate something and mess his diapers often? The 3 year old sometimes pushes the limits and questions my authority, but that's to be expected I think.

Yesterday I was watching them and I was just not really into being there. It's not that I had anything else to do, and I appreciate the income. I just wasn't feeling it. It made me think about what it might be like to have my own kids one day. I do want kids. I'm not really sure how many. I'm not sure when I will get to the point in my life when I'm ready for them- there are several details I need to work out in the meantime. Still, it's definitely a desire of mine. But on days like yesterday, when I'm looking forward to when their mom comes home, what will it be like when I have my own and I don't get to hand them to someone else at the end of the day? I know it will be different because they'll be mine, but still. It's a justifiable concern, I think.

As a mom, I want to be present. I don't know what that really looks like if I'm not a stay-at-home mom, but I know several fabulous moms who I really respect who manage to work and be really involved with their kids. I'm getting practice at being present when I'm babysitting because I really can choose to engage with the kids or just go through the motions, doing what's required of me. I can only imagine what it will be like when it's a full-time job and I'm glad I'm not starting tomorrow.