losing my best friend

I used to cringe when my peers used to call people their "first best friend", "second best friend", or heaven forbid "sixth best friend". Even at a young age I thought it was so wrong to quantify your friends, as if it were a competition to be so-and-so's "first best friend". So I didn't call anyone my best friend. Just my good friends. And I don't know that anyone called me their best friend, either.

I have always had a lot of friends in a lot of different social groups. When you have a lot of friends, you have few good friends. It takes so much energy and time to maintain friendships with so many that you don't cultivate the most meaningful ones. Or so I think that's how it's gone down in my life until SF. In SF, it was different. I made the best friends of my life there. And my friends actually refer to me as one of their best friends- a welcome designation at this point in my life. I mean, I could be called their "tenth best friend" now and I'd be happy.

So when I decided to go back to school, I felt like moving would mean I'm walking out on the greatest friendships I've ever had. I knew that the friendships wouldn't end with me walking on the plane. No, I'm very determined to put the energy and effort into maintaining them. Believe me, my budget has "visiting SF" built in and I've already booked my first tickets back. Still, I feel like life there has moved on without me. I can't see them, and I can't always talk to them when I want to. When I need to. I know that it's reciprocal for them, but I feel like my holes are so much bigger- like I lost everything I had, whereas they lost just me. And I've not gained any new people to fill their physical place in my life so their holes stare back at me, unfilled.

I know change can be good. But I can't see the good yet in the change in the context of my friendships. And the change in one friendship in particular is especially difficult to adjust to. In fact, I'm not adjusting, really.

I love music. I love to sing. I've known for a long time how moving music can be. How much it can be tied to memories. As a kid, I liked a lot of music because it was popular. Now I like a lot of music because of the artistry, the lyrics, or the emotions that it evokes. So I've been paying more attention to the lyrics of the old "classics" of my youth. I finally understand them and it's like I'm hearing them for the first time. I'm finding that they have a lot of relevance to my life right now. I recently sang this song at karaoke and realized while I was singing it that it is an anthem for where I'm at right now.

You and me. We used to be together. Everyday together. always. I really feel. That I'm losing my best friend. I can't believe. This could be the end. It looks as though you're letting go. And if it's real. Well I don't want to know. Don't speak. I know just what you're saying. So please stop explaining. Don't tell me cause it hurts. Don't speak. I know what you're thinking. I don't need your reasons. Don't tell me cause it hurts. Our memories. Well, they can be inviting. But some are altogether. Mighty frightening. As we die. both you and I. With my head in my hands. I sit and cry... "Don't Speak" No Doubt