tears

A few months before I moved, I started to pray that God would allow me to feel deep emotions while I went through this transition. It seems like a strange thing to ask for, I know. I struggle with depression, though not to the degree that my mom does, and am on an antidepressant. The antidepressant does help me deal with the depression, but one of the side effects is that my emotions are blunted. Often I don't really feel the highs and lows of life as I know would be normal for me to feel, which really bothers me and sometimes makes me weigh whether or not I should be taking the medication. Anyway, I've gone for months at a time without crying. I know some people don't cry. I don't cry at the drop of a hat, but crying every so often is a normal thing for me. So experiencing something that I know would make me cry but not being able to is difficult. I didn't want to go through the process of saying goodbye and starting over again and be numb to my emotions.

I appreciate God's sense of humor. I was asking to be able to cry about things and feel deep emotions in the context of the move- saying goodbye, missing SF, and watching God pave the way as I settle here. Well, I've cried a lot, I mean a lot, in the last few months. Tears as I grieve my losses and celebrate my gains in the move. But I think I've cried more about things not really related to my transition, which is funny in a way. I've cried a lot about mom. I've cried a lot about our family. I've cried a lot about the ending of a relationship. I'm not sure if my heart has ever felt such pain. And it's a beautiful thing. It feels really good to feel. To cry. To experience hurt in life that I was never vulnerable enough to encounter before.

I have a friend whose blog is entitled "Bottled Tears". She's a very expressive writer, and her blog is in part what inspired my own. I looked up the scripture namesake of her blog:

8You number and record my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle--are they not in Your book? Ps 6, The Amplified Bible

I'm thankful that the Lord knows the number of my tears. I'm thankful that He answered my prayer to feel deep emotions. My heart is raw, and I praise Him!