17For I will restore health to you, and I will heal your wounds, says the Lord, because they have called you an outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no one seeks after and for whom no one cares!
18Thus says the Lord: Behold, I will release from captivity the tents of Jacob and have mercy on his dwelling places; the city will be rebuilt on its own [old] moundlike site, and the palace will be dwelt in after its former fashion.
19Out of them [city and palace] will come songs of thanksgiving and the voices of those who make merry. And I will multiply them, and they will not be few; I will also glorify them, and they will not be small.
20Their children too shall be as in former times, and their congregation shall be established before Me, and I will punish all who oppress them. Jer 30, The Amplified Bible
My mom was diagnosed with depression 22 years ago, though she would tell you that it's something she's had most of her life. I definitely don't know my mom without depression. Hers is Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), meaning that she doesn't respond to the normal therapy and medications as other people do. Over the years she's tried almost every medication in the book, undergone Electroconvulsive Therapy, and seen various psychiatrists and therapists. Nothing has really helped that much. But she's gotten by. And I would argue that she's done well considering all. She is an unbelievable woman. And I don't think that's just my biased opinion.
On June 15, 2007, she underwent brain surgery to implant a Deep Brain Stimulator as a part of a study Emory University is conducting. Basically, the thought is that perhaps some peoples' depression can be treated by changing brain activity in a controlled manner. It has been shown to be effective in other people, and based on mom's study scores, it looked like she was receiving some benefit from the stimulator at various times over the first 9 months of the study.
Then on April 29, 2008 mom began a descent into a deeper depression than she's ever been in. She was hospitalized on May 8 for 24 hours and spent the next few weeks at home in bed, literally. It's been some of the hardest last few months my family has ever been through. It's really hard watching my mom struggle to find any hope in this life. Hearing her say there's no reason to go on, that she would rather not be here, that she is a burden. Seeing my dad more stressed than he's ever been in his life and hard pressed to allow himself an outlet. Knowing that my siblings are picking up the slack at home, but not really getting to have a "normal" family life. Wondering how my 11 year old sister is processing, or not processing, what's going on.
It's been good in some ways. My parents' small group has really rallied to be a support, and we've seen the Body of Christ at work. My parents aren't good at asking for help, but they've allowed others to step in and help. My family has had to talk about things we normally don't, cry together when we normally don't, and express emotions that some of us normally don't. My work experience has enabled me to advocate for treatment options that mom's never tried before. My God has been gracious to us in the midst of our darkest hour.
But man, it's tough. I don't know where God's taking us with this. If mom had cancer, there would be a more evident disease course. The treatment options would be more defined. People around us would be more familiar with what we're up against. But this is not cancer. This is depression- a very real disease, but one that is intangible, varied, and elusive. Mom will not die from depression. Not directly anyway. But it's taking it's toll on her. And I'm going crazy watching it happen.
I'll be honest. I don't know how to pray about this. I believe that God is capable of completely healing mom's depression. But He's been capable of that for the last 20+ years and hasn't. Why does she continue to struggle, and now to this degree? I'd be satisfied with her getting back to her baseline. Right now, she's far from it. But what if God doesn't plan on healing her, or even bringing her back to her baseline? What does life look like for her, for our family, if this continues indefinitely?
I want to claim Jeremiah 30 for my mom. For my family. For our community. I want her to be restored. I want to be able to sing about it. I want my parents to have freedom from captivity.
I want to be at peace with what God has planned for my mom, come what may.
So I'm wanting...
18Thus says the Lord: Behold, I will release from captivity the tents of Jacob and have mercy on his dwelling places; the city will be rebuilt on its own [old] moundlike site, and the palace will be dwelt in after its former fashion.
19Out of them [city and palace] will come songs of thanksgiving and the voices of those who make merry. And I will multiply them, and they will not be few; I will also glorify them, and they will not be small.
20Their children too shall be as in former times, and their congregation shall be established before Me, and I will punish all who oppress them. Jer 30, The Amplified Bible
My mom was diagnosed with depression 22 years ago, though she would tell you that it's something she's had most of her life. I definitely don't know my mom without depression. Hers is Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD), meaning that she doesn't respond to the normal therapy and medications as other people do. Over the years she's tried almost every medication in the book, undergone Electroconvulsive Therapy, and seen various psychiatrists and therapists. Nothing has really helped that much. But she's gotten by. And I would argue that she's done well considering all. She is an unbelievable woman. And I don't think that's just my biased opinion.
On June 15, 2007, she underwent brain surgery to implant a Deep Brain Stimulator as a part of a study Emory University is conducting. Basically, the thought is that perhaps some peoples' depression can be treated by changing brain activity in a controlled manner. It has been shown to be effective in other people, and based on mom's study scores, it looked like she was receiving some benefit from the stimulator at various times over the first 9 months of the study.
Then on April 29, 2008 mom began a descent into a deeper depression than she's ever been in. She was hospitalized on May 8 for 24 hours and spent the next few weeks at home in bed, literally. It's been some of the hardest last few months my family has ever been through. It's really hard watching my mom struggle to find any hope in this life. Hearing her say there's no reason to go on, that she would rather not be here, that she is a burden. Seeing my dad more stressed than he's ever been in his life and hard pressed to allow himself an outlet. Knowing that my siblings are picking up the slack at home, but not really getting to have a "normal" family life. Wondering how my 11 year old sister is processing, or not processing, what's going on.
It's been good in some ways. My parents' small group has really rallied to be a support, and we've seen the Body of Christ at work. My parents aren't good at asking for help, but they've allowed others to step in and help. My family has had to talk about things we normally don't, cry together when we normally don't, and express emotions that some of us normally don't. My work experience has enabled me to advocate for treatment options that mom's never tried before. My God has been gracious to us in the midst of our darkest hour.
But man, it's tough. I don't know where God's taking us with this. If mom had cancer, there would be a more evident disease course. The treatment options would be more defined. People around us would be more familiar with what we're up against. But this is not cancer. This is depression- a very real disease, but one that is intangible, varied, and elusive. Mom will not die from depression. Not directly anyway. But it's taking it's toll on her. And I'm going crazy watching it happen.
I'll be honest. I don't know how to pray about this. I believe that God is capable of completely healing mom's depression. But He's been capable of that for the last 20+ years and hasn't. Why does she continue to struggle, and now to this degree? I'd be satisfied with her getting back to her baseline. Right now, she's far from it. But what if God doesn't plan on healing her, or even bringing her back to her baseline? What does life look like for her, for our family, if this continues indefinitely?
I want to claim Jeremiah 30 for my mom. For my family. For our community. I want her to be restored. I want to be able to sing about it. I want my parents to have freedom from captivity.
I want to be at peace with what God has planned for my mom, come what may.
So I'm wanting...
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1 comment:
it's hard not being there. being away makes it easier to not be apart. it seems unnecessary for me to stress about when there's nothing i can do from here, but i feel like i missing out. i know i'm not missing out on anything fun, but it's life, and it's are family and i am a part.
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